Tuesday, June 09, 2009

And Now For Another Installment of . . . Overshare Theater!!

Right. So. I went to the allergist (finally!) last week and got tested (finally!) for various things. And I am allergic to everything.

Ok, I am not allergic to everything.

But I am allergic to pretty much all the grasses there are, most trees, cats (yep, as I suspected, I'm allergic to my cat), dogs, other stuff, and dust. I am very, very allergic to dust. Yep, I am the one in the "one in ten people are allergic to dust" statistic.

This list of many allergies? It explains so much. For example, why I feel so lousy most of the time. I go through tissues faster than I can replace them, frequently using paper towels because that's all I have left. That leads to an attractive condition called "chapped nose" that everyone feels the need to comment on, only I don't really mind because they know I'm not faking feeling sick when I look like that. But then I forget about until I wash my face with salicylic acid face wash, which hurts like heck, and I start to swear, but I get as far as "holy feeeerrrrr" (that's the sound of me trying not to swear), bite my lip, and then wash it off as fast as I can. And then my nose looks even better.

I use my neti pot, oh, 6 or 7 times a day---more if I'm home all day. At least once a month, I have a night where I wake up at least once an hour to have sneezing fits, and then I sneeze all day (hello, chapped nose!), which I'm sure disgusts my coworkers. I have frequent sore throats. And, apparently, I rub my eyes a lot. Normally, if RR catches me, she will point it out to me because I do it so much, I don't even notice anymore.

And it explains how, whenever I get close to a carpet, or go in a room with a lot of dust, I get all those things, sneezy, congested, itchy throat and eyes, plus I have a little bit of breathing trouble. Rights. That's allergies. This, I could not figure out for myself. The pollen allergies, I noticed that all by my lonesome, but the dust problems, that I had to have someone tell me.

So my allergist gave me a list of things that should help, although the costs start to add up, including (and this is the part that cracks me up), I should not be the person doing the dusting. In fact, I shouldn't even be in the house when it's being done. But if I have to do the dusting, (specifically, this is what cracks me up) I must wear a dust mask.

So now I will look like my grandmother, who I always kind of made fun of. Not to her face, but in my head. Of course, she wore one outside---I can still picture her walking out into their giant backyard, approaching us with that mask on her face, gesturing the whole time and telling us that it was time to come inside and we could play Uno or bingo or something---but it may come to that for me. I should add that she was very loving and sweet, and I think really she wanted us to come inside so that she could spend time with us without having to be outside with the pollen. But she looked ridiculous.

Ok, you are saying, this is just sharing. This is not so much oversharing. Wait! I'm getting to it!

(and I promise all of my oversharing won't always be about mucus) (but this is) (but first, a little something to make you sleep better tonight)

Did you know that dust contains, among other things, the feces and decaying bodies of dust mites? Did you know that the average mattress contains tens of thousands of dust mites, and then of course, when they die, they stay there for you to breathe in their decaying bodies at night while you sleep? Did you know that the weight of your pillow increases over time with the addition of dead mites and their droppings, which you also breathe in at night? You're welcome!

So anyway, back to phlegm. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, I had ye olde green mucus again. I don't know why it is that when I finally figure out what I need to do to get rid of my allergies, they take a turn for the worse. Using my neti pot has been fun, let me tell you. Especially when that stuff comes out of my nose and then doesn't go immediately down the drain but just sits there in the sink looking at me, so I have to look back at it while I'm trying to pour enough water into the sink to encourage it to move along. Yes, I know, it's gross, and it's not the sort of thing you should share with other people. But that's why I'm sharing---I refuse to be disgusted alone.

I think this may be related to the pressure I've been feeling in my ears. Well, first of all, Monday at one point, I sneezed so hard that my ear popped, or whatever you call it when your ear goes from being fine to feeling clogged. I do not have feminine, dainty sneezes to begin with, they are much more of the "AAACCHOOOOO" variety (which is usually ok because as my dad says, if you have to sneeze, you might as well make it worthwhile), but this one was a doozy. But luckily, I later sneezed again and it unclogged. At least, it felt like I did, but I've been doing that old man, cup your ear and say, "Eh?" thing all day, so maybe not.

It still feel like I had a lot of pressure, and I hope that's why my ear was itching, because I always have this fear that a bug has crawled into my ear and died. That is not an irrational fear because people do get bugs in their ears sometimes when they sleep. The bugs crawl in and then can't get out. I slept with my sheets pulled over my ears for months after I learned that.

I spent most of Monday holed up in my office because I was afraid that I would sneeze with all that force, only in front of someone, and it would be scarring and gross for them and horrifyingly embarrassing for me. And I felt so bad for my coworkers anyway because you really can hear everything through the walls, so the coworkers with offices next to me get a real treat when I have this kind of thing going on. On Monday, I was relieved to see one of the coworkers, the one who can hear the best what's going on in my office, had on headphones. Because the sounds I was making when I blew my nose . . . those are sounds that would make me wish I had headphones if I was forced to listen to someone else making those sounds. I just hope that I'm not *why* he had on the headphones.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today, still stuffy and phlegmy, but of the normal variety, and things are mostly clear. But I'm still irritated that I had to deal with it at all because I'm already THAT person at work. That person that is always sick and talking about being sick. So now, I'm THAT person, plus I'm disgusting.

And oh great, I just realized that if I'm talking about my allergies all the time, then I really AM my grandmother. Next thing you know, I'm going to be saying that my parents' dog "thinks she's people" and using "quaint" little expressions like "dishy-washy washy dishy!" Please stop me if this happens.

Ta-da!

That concludes this installment of Overshare Theater.

Large Bird and Computer Problems

Note: I wrote this in April and am just now getting around to posting it---sorry!

Ok, so, for about a month, I have been engaged in a battle of wills with my laptop, which I refer to as "my stupid laptop," because it has never once, not since I got it, behaved correctly. I should have known. I bought it from the Dell outlet, "certified refurbished," which didn't worry me and shouldn't worry you if you ever decide to buy one from there---between my sister and I we've now bought four computers from the Dell outlet, and mine is the only one that causes trouble. And I should have known better, I really should have. Because I called the 1-800 number instead of ordering online, and the one that I wanted had already been sold, but the guy on the phone was all, "oh, hey, we have this other one that has all the same specs you wanted, only its cheaper." I should have known better.

And oh, yeah, he said, it's pink. Bleck. I didn't want a pink computer. I like pink, I have lots of pink sweaters, but a computer I did not want in pink. Because that says, "I'm that girl. I like pink so much that I have to have my computer in pink. I'm such a girlie-girl, even my computer has to make a statement. Look at me, my computer is pink. I giggle a lot. I'm THAT girl." No offense, y'all, if you bought a pink computer by choice. But bleck. So, yeah, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. But whatever, I hate pushy salespeople, and I just wanted to get off of the phone, so I took it.

And it pretty much ain't worked right since I received it. So many blue screens of death have flashed at me. And then, finally, for the last month, I'll spare you the details, but I had some corrupted files that appeared to be interfering with my installing important updates and so when I've not been working, I've been trying to fix my computer. And the free online tech forums I'd posted to, which are so helpful to other people, for me their advice was the equivalent of your company's IT guy who always asks you if you've rebooted your computer, even when your problem is something like "I just poured diet soda all over it and now there's smoke coming out and I hear sizzling."

I am happy to report that finally, finally, I won! Except only sort of, and it was a bittersweet victory, because my laptop was not prepared to go down without a fight, and in the end, I wound up just totally reinstalling the operating system. Only OF COURSE I forgot to backup my Internet bookmarks. So the massive amount of allergen-free recipes that I had accumulated over the last year? ALL GONE.


And my computer said, "HA ha."


I'm STILL not sure that everything is working right, but at least I got those updates to finally install. I do have a problem now with my cursor moving for no apparent reason, so now I find myself typing in the wrong place in documents, resulting in sentences that make no sense whatsoever, but as long as I notice where the errant typing went, it's ok. Annoying, but fixable.

On a totally unrelated note, recently, as I was sitting in my living room supposed to be working but instead struggling with my laptop, I just happened to glance over out our french doors onto the deck, and do you know what I saw? No, you'll never guess, so I'll just tell you.


It was A TURKEY. Well, it might not have been a turkey. But it was A HUGE bird. And of course I was alone. But I took pictures (albeit not very good ones), just so no one could say I was crazy.

Turkey.

Lurking.

Saw it with my own eyes.

See? HUGE. And of course RR wasn't here. I'm so sad that she didn't get to share that with me.