Saturday, June 26, 2010

"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking the fire exit."

RR and I just rewatched the old Comedy Central Presents episode with Mitch Hedberg. Man, he was funny. No matter how many times I watch his shows, they still crack me up.

And since I don't really have time to do a full post right now, I thought I'd type up a few of his jokes.

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

[on playing golf] I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying . . . You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll just give you the money, you give the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend? "Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here."

If you have a few minutes and need a laugh, you should check out his bit about restaurant wait lists, which never fails to make me laugh out loud. And it will give you something to smile about the next time you have to wait for a table.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Ninja Assassin wins! Rain still looks hot. In other news, the sky is still blue, water is still wet.

I don't watch MTV, and overall I couldn't care less about their movie awards, but I couldn't be more thrilled that uber-sexy-and-adorable Rain (Bi) (λΉ„) won last night for "Biggest Badass." Have you seen "Ninja Assassin"? He deserved the win. And even without the movie, he deserved to win for these abs alone.

I think we should start calling him the Ninja Ab-sassin. Ha! I am so good with the puns.

Anyway, I don't want to be that ripped personally, since I'm a girl and all, but I would like to be closer to looking that toned than to what I am now, which is someone comprised almost entirely of bones and fat. Like good soup stock material, actually. Yet another reason to stay out of hot tubs.

I've never wanted to be famous. In fact, my goal is to try and get through life largely unnoticed by most of the world. I like being able to walk down the street without anyone knowing who I am. Nobody needs to follow me around the Central Market bulk foods section, watching me buy large containers of cashew butter, and then blog about it. ("JLR buys out entire section of nut butters at local upscale grocery store") But I'm beginning to think that I need someone whose job it is to follow me around all day, knocking peanut butter cookies out of my hand and telling me to hit the treadmill. So maybe I need to become famous so that I can justify (and afford to pay for) having someone like that around.

Anyway, congrats, Rain. Even though you are six years younger than me and look even younger than that, if you knocked a peanut butter cookie out of my hand, I wouldn't even get mad at you (note to anyone else: do not even attempt it).

Because you are hot. And even though you are a pop singer, when you can move the way you do, and when you look that good, neither RR nor I will ever mock you for referring to yourself as a "bad boy." Also: like the suit. But don't think I'm going to go see the new Karate Kid movie just because your song is on the soundtrack. That's all about Jackie Chan, who I adore. Hils saw him at a subway stop once and called RR to tell her, but RR couldn't understand her whispers and thought she was saying "something about your hand?" It was a very Chandler-in-the-vestibule-with-Jill-Goodacre moment, which made me love Jackie Chan even more, even though he really didn't have anything to do with that story other than that his name was involved.

On an unrelated note, today at lunch, I took the cap off of my container of coconut aminos (not the bottle it came in, the container I used to transport some to work), and it let out a pop of air, sprinkling the aminos onto my hand (and onto who knows what else that I haven't discovered yet). I hope that it's a sign that I had the lid on really tight and not a sign that the aminos have fermented or something bad, like that time BF/R left pineapple in a tupperware container, unrefrigerated, for so long that the bacteria that grew on it off-gassed enough to blow the lid off the container. But it's hours later now, and so far, so good. Yea for not getting botulism!

Speaking of tupperware containers, right after getting aminos on my hand, I then poured the aminos on the broccoli in my tupperware-knock-off container, put the lid on it, and shook it to toss, and OF COURSE, despite me really believing I had the lid on well, I wound up tossing broccoli right onto my pants. OF COURSE.