Monday, February 21, 2011

Well OF COURSE I did that

In replying to comments on my Betty Garrett post, I said that I try to find blogs on blogger, but I "always wind up with only mommy blogs (not that there's anything wrong with that, just not my area of interest) and blogs written in (I think) Portuguese." And then I noticed that one of my few followers is a mom, and I remembered that another writes her blog half in Portuguese. This is what I get for trying to be funny. Maybe it would have been better if I'd prefaced it with "no offense."

What do you think, Natalie? Does that work?

Yeah, I didn't think so, either.

For the record, I like plenty of blogs by women who are moms, I just personally can't relate to blogs that are nothing but pictures of children I don't know. And the only reason I don't read blogs that are written in Portuguese is because, you know, I can't.

This is like when RR and her coworker were talking about how creepy they think clowns are, and another coworker said she used to dress up like a clown to visit children at hospitals. Only worse, because clowns are creepy, which I think you know deep down inside even if you are a clown.

So this is me trying to fix it. Sorry, guys. No offense?

There's a possibility that I won't be blogging next week because I will be sitting on the side of the road in Arkansas or in jail.

I didn't do anything to celebrate President's Day today, other than not go to work. Yea for holidays!

I also ate homemade cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting, but that was less "honor our presidents" and more "because they were there."

And I made yakbap, also known as yaksik, because a friend had mentioned that it's a Korean dessert that is typically eaten around the lunar new year, and I was all, "dessert, you say?" RR and I love celebrating foreign holidays because it makes us seem like we are multiculti, when really we just love dessert. I have spent days making a "Christmas around the world" food list.

I also watched Perry Mason, of course, and it turned out to be one of my dad's favorite episodes ("I was . . . frightened."). That was a plus.

I also went with RR to the gym to run around the track there, which was torture. I don't think I'm ever going to like running, I really don't. I had to stop running after 1 mile and just walk after that, while RR kept going like a little gazelle. We look so much alike that there's no way people don't know we're sisters, which means they wouldn't be able to not compare us. One is about 10 pounds thinner and running, while the heavier one is walking and looks like she's about to die. The about-to-die look was from trying (and failing) to do math in my head, trying to figure out how many more laps I had to go before it was time to leave. RR is ahead of me, all, "I think I can, I think I can," and I'm "I swear on that frat guy's life, I'm going to kill someone if they don't turn the air on." So yeah, that was fun. I'm glad I went, though (see cinnamon rolls, above).

Speaking of cream cheese, if you are wondering if it is possible to put to much cream cheese in your Philadelphia rolls, the answer is yes. And also, something tasted off in my philly rolls, and I ate them anyway (they were there), so tomorrow I might get to stay home from work again. Yea food poisoning!

Well, if my food makes me sick, I'm sure I'll be recovered in time for this weekend's road trip to visit Grandpa. If my parents and I return home without me ejecting one of them or myself from the moving vehicle, it will be a President's Day miracle. My parents get along just dandy when they are puttering around the house or going shopping for plants, but get them on a road trip together, and the fuses, they shorten. I start to feel like Pee Wee when he throws himself from the train rather than stay with the singing hobo. I don't have a lot of patience for that kind of squabbling, and although I can keep my thoughts to myself for awhile, after about hour five, it's hard for me not to say things like "can we please all agree to stop acting like children" and "using that tone of voice is unnecessary" which are things you don't want to hear from your kid, even if said kid is in her mid-30s.

It's a well-known if unspoken family fact that my parents figure that they will probably have to live with me when they are old but would much rather live with RR. Or with pretty much anyone else. Except my brother. They'd take me over him any day. Unless he marries his current girlfriend, in which case, I'm back down to the bottom of the list, right under "swarm of angry bees." I, on the other hand, have no problem with my parents living with me, because if they are old and feeble then I can finally stop them from leaving the television running all day long, even when no one is in the house.

The fact that I have thought of all the ways in which they will finally have to do what I want them to do should clue you in as to why they don't want to live with me.

This is especially true of my mother, a woman who is free with the unsolicited advice for her parents and her children but who once said that she doesn't like to take advice from people because if someone gives you advice, "they're basically calling you stupid." True story. For the record, my mom is lovely (outside of road trips), gives good advice, and dispenses it because she cares so much. It must be disappointing to her that she has such stupid children.

I guess I don't have the right to joke about that, given that I did eat sushi rolls that I thought might have gone "off."

Ugh, I think the rice has formed a ball in my stomach and is now expanding. Coffee helps with that, right?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

R.I.P., Betty Garrett

[FYI, Red Skelton is doing a bad fake Spanish accent (on purpose) because his character is pretending to be José O'Rourke, the character played by Ricardo Montalbán.]

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Jessica Fletcher would approve of the jogging but probably not the feelings of moral superiority or the consuming of questionable foods

Things are frozen outside right now, as are things inside my refrigerator, which has apparently decided it wants to be a freezer instead. The vegetables does not appreciate it. Neither do I, because it means that instead of drinking my just-brewed cup of coffee, I had to take the time to defrost the cream to put into it. Does cream defrost ok after being frozen? I hope so. Not surprisingly, I used it anyway. I don't seem to be suffering from any ill effects.

"Icy chunk of fat for your coffee, ma'am?" "Oh, yes, that would be lovely. Thanks ever so." I mean, it's better than nothing, right? And better than an icy, rancid chunk of fat.

Oh, man. I hope it was just a solid because it was frozen.

Speaking of cream for you coffee, I recently learned that half and half is not something that all countries have, or even all Western countries. Obviously I didn't think that all people all over the world eat and drink the same things that we do here, but it never occurred to me that not all coffee-drinking peoples of the world would use half and half. Not to sound like a chauvinist, but I honestly feel sorry for people who don't have regular access to the perfect solution to the "milk doesn't cut it but I can't bring myself to commit to actual cream" problem. Doesn't compare to real problems--it's not starvation or malaria or genocide or anything--but still. They're missing out.

In other food-related news, I did manage to enroll in my nutrition course after all. In addition to learning actually useful things, I'm also learning fun things that I can talk to unwilling listeners about, like the word "bolus." I can't stop saying it even though it makes me feel a little grossed out when I do. "Can't run right now, the bolus would be angry." "Well, [Patting my stomach] the bolus is moving slowly today." Yeah, I'm like that. My coworkers love me.

We don't have actual lectures in our class, just these educational videos we watch online. They are, how to put this, very much something you'd expect to see on public access television. I guess it's good that the public has easy access to simplified nutrition education, if only it were interesting enough for the public to watch and actually informative. A coworker is taking the class with me, and we watch them together, which is probably better than either of us taking the class with other people around. I say this because we have views on food and nutrition that vary quite a bit from some of the stuff they like to talk about in the videos. (Disclaimer: I have very strong views on the American diet, including the joke that is the USDA food pyramid, common but clearly bad for human health food additives, the benefits of eating organic and local, and the evils of Monsanto and their put-corn-in-every-freakin-thing ways. My coworker is vegan for reasons relating to the environmental and the way animals are treated in the food industry, and I am largely vegetarian on the same grounds.) The two of us watching the videos together involves much scoffing, eye rolling, and occasional yelling at the computer monitor. Also, cutting remarks on the fashion and hair choices of the people in the video, because it was made in the '90s, and because people should know better than to tuck their t-shirts into their elastic waistband shorts. That never looked good on anyone.

Does that make me catty? Maybe I need to work on my empathy skills. I'm glad no one is in there to have to listen to our comments. I mean, we're right, but that doesn't mean other people should have to listen to us. Like why my mom doesn't like to watch television with my dad or us kids.

I am also learning about digestion, so there's that. But nothing I already knew or have learned from the class stopped me from eating three cinnamon rolls after breakfast this morning. They were small but dense, like a dying sun, if I may borrow a line. Like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball. Sooo good. And then I made some more. I feel kind of sick right now, actually. Good thing I am going for a jog in a few minutes.* Maybe jostling the bolus will speed of digestion. Probably it will just stir up acid reflex. Don't be too jealous.

*It's late, so I'm not going outside for a real run, I'm just going to jog around my living room while watching "Murder, She Wrote."

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

It may not be fair to be annoyed at UPS for not delivering my package when the roads are iced over, but I am

After all, the USPS still managed to deliver my mail just fine. If I may quote from The Matchmaker, "What kind of ineffective--yet not inexpensive--system is this?"