Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Jessica Fletcher would approve of the jogging but probably not the feelings of moral superiority or the consuming of questionable foods

Things are frozen outside right now, as are things inside my refrigerator, which has apparently decided it wants to be a freezer instead. The vegetables does not appreciate it. Neither do I, because it means that instead of drinking my just-brewed cup of coffee, I had to take the time to defrost the cream to put into it. Does cream defrost ok after being frozen? I hope so. Not surprisingly, I used it anyway. I don't seem to be suffering from any ill effects.

"Icy chunk of fat for your coffee, ma'am?" "Oh, yes, that would be lovely. Thanks ever so." I mean, it's better than nothing, right? And better than an icy, rancid chunk of fat.

Oh, man. I hope it was just a solid because it was frozen.

Speaking of cream for you coffee, I recently learned that half and half is not something that all countries have, or even all Western countries. Obviously I didn't think that all people all over the world eat and drink the same things that we do here, but it never occurred to me that not all coffee-drinking peoples of the world would use half and half. Not to sound like a chauvinist, but I honestly feel sorry for people who don't have regular access to the perfect solution to the "milk doesn't cut it but I can't bring myself to commit to actual cream" problem. Doesn't compare to real problems--it's not starvation or malaria or genocide or anything--but still. They're missing out.

In other food-related news, I did manage to enroll in my nutrition course after all. In addition to learning actually useful things, I'm also learning fun things that I can talk to unwilling listeners about, like the word "bolus." I can't stop saying it even though it makes me feel a little grossed out when I do. "Can't run right now, the bolus would be angry." "Well, [Patting my stomach] the bolus is moving slowly today." Yeah, I'm like that. My coworkers love me.

We don't have actual lectures in our class, just these educational videos we watch online. They are, how to put this, very much something you'd expect to see on public access television. I guess it's good that the public has easy access to simplified nutrition education, if only it were interesting enough for the public to watch and actually informative. A coworker is taking the class with me, and we watch them together, which is probably better than either of us taking the class with other people around. I say this because we have views on food and nutrition that vary quite a bit from some of the stuff they like to talk about in the videos. (Disclaimer: I have very strong views on the American diet, including the joke that is the USDA food pyramid, common but clearly bad for human health food additives, the benefits of eating organic and local, and the evils of Monsanto and their put-corn-in-every-freakin-thing ways. My coworker is vegan for reasons relating to the environmental and the way animals are treated in the food industry, and I am largely vegetarian on the same grounds.) The two of us watching the videos together involves much scoffing, eye rolling, and occasional yelling at the computer monitor. Also, cutting remarks on the fashion and hair choices of the people in the video, because it was made in the '90s, and because people should know better than to tuck their t-shirts into their elastic waistband shorts. That never looked good on anyone.

Does that make me catty? Maybe I need to work on my empathy skills. I'm glad no one is in there to have to listen to our comments. I mean, we're right, but that doesn't mean other people should have to listen to us. Like why my mom doesn't like to watch television with my dad or us kids.

I am also learning about digestion, so there's that. But nothing I already knew or have learned from the class stopped me from eating three cinnamon rolls after breakfast this morning. They were small but dense, like a dying sun, if I may borrow a line. Like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball. Sooo good. And then I made some more. I feel kind of sick right now, actually. Good thing I am going for a jog in a few minutes.* Maybe jostling the bolus will speed of digestion. Probably it will just stir up acid reflex. Don't be too jealous.

*It's late, so I'm not going outside for a real run, I'm just going to jog around my living room while watching "Murder, She Wrote."

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