Thursday, December 01, 2011

Some consequences of being scheduled for sinus surgery

One consequence of having a sinus surgery in the near future is that I have had to learn more than I want to about sinuses.  While I was consulting my new doctor the Internet, I came across a website discussing acute ethmoid sinusitis.  This website kept referring to something called the “middle meatus.”  So now I have finally found a term I find more unappealing than “bolus.” 

I do not want to hear the word “meatus” spoken.  I do not even want to hear it in my head.  I do not want to think about a part of the body being described as “the meatus.”  And somehow adding the word “middle” to it just makes it worse.  And yet I know I will find myself saying it, for example, to demand that the heat be turned off.  “Turn off the central heating! The meatus commands it!”  This will simultaneously amuse and disgust me. I'll laugh at my own comment, and then feel disappointed in myself.

A more positive consequence of having sinus surgery is that I won’t have to get any flak for my usual New Year’s Eve celebration of kicking back in my jammies and watching movies.  My surgery is just a few days before, and I may be puffy or have facial discoloration, and if they're going to put in splints or anything like that, they'll probably still be there.  Also, I may have to be sporting what they call a "mustache bandage," and there ain't no way I'm going out in public like that.  

As much as I like the idea of attending a glitzy New Year’s celebration, I don’t enjoy staying up that late or drinking champagne or mingling with strangers.  But I do enjoy being at home, watching movies, and wearing my pajamas.  People always seem a little disappointed when I tell them my plans, but since as a person I tend to be a little disappointing generally, I think they shouldn’t be surprised.  “Oh, you want to hear about my work as an attorney? Great. Let me tell you about this argument we had the other day about whether we should say that ‘the plaintiff’s claims should have been dismissed’ or ‘the plaintiff’s case should have been dismissed.’  I thought for a minute there it would come to blows.”

But this year, all I have to do is preface the discussion of my plans with the statement, “Well, I’ll still be recovering from surgery, so . . .” and then I’ll get nothing but sympathy and understanding.  Win!  My meatus and my mustachioed self can enjoy the evening in peace.

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